I don’t know what I am doing. I lost my appetite. My sleep is fucked up. I hate my jobs. I hate being alone. I am struggling financially. Despite of having a relatively good life, at least better than how I used to life, and where I used to live, I sometimes don’t like being alive. I am tired. I don’t know and can’t understand what is wrong with me. Like I suppose to be happy and ok, but I am not. I don’t like to go to work. I don’t know how to get the hell out of this industry. It has become suck a routine for me, that even getting out of it, looks impossible and frustrating. But I so badly want something new. Some new experiences. Some new ways of making money and make a living.
I am struggling to be consistent and this is what I hate most. I need to write every day. I need to put pressure on my brain to write every day. To not fucking stop. To not be a fucking quitter. Sorry about my language. I don’t like talking like this, but sometimes, it looks like, it is the only way to express how exactly I am feeling.
So, enough of complaining, I want to give a life update and how the things are going on in my life. Actually, now I feel better and less hopeless after writing those initial words in the first two paragraphs. Honestly, sometimes I myself really get surprised that why I feel this way or I think like that. Like what exactly gets wrong with me? I don’t know the answer, but I know that sometimes, I am really dark.
I tried to overcome my sad emotions and low mood by retail therapy and overspending money on different things, but it turned out to not only doesn’t cure the main problem but it added financial stress and more guilt to how I felt before.
French: December was the worse month. I practiced the least. I don’t know why, but I really didn’t feel learning French. Also I gave up on my 60 something Duolingo strike, which is sad, but I didn’t practice for more than a week and that is something to consider seriously.
Photography / Video: This month was the best month for me to get more serious about photography and really get into this hobby. I want to eventually have a strong YouTube channel and I know it goes from learning more and more about cameras, photography, filming and also improve my writing, what I am doing now. I overspent on camera and gear for sure and that is another reason that I am a little upset. Because, I put some financial strain on myself, which could have been avoided until future. But since, my greatest weakness is impatience and I want everything now, so I jumped and ordered many expensive equipment online. Also including lenses as well. And now it is a time that I realized, there are some other things that I need to purchase! And this really makes me upset. Anyways. It is what it is. I picked expensive hobbies and now I am going to pay the price and learn a lesson.
Piano: December wasn’t also a good month for music and piano. I bought a piano for 1000 dollars, but I didn’t practice it as much as I expected to practice. I failed. So now you can see how I feel. Generally I feel bad about myself. I feel bad about my existence and don’t know why. I get stuck into bad events. Into bad feelings. And into bad things that happened to me, whether it was my fault or someone else did it to me.
What I say that my mental health situation has gotten worse compared to the previous years? Because I used to talk with other people, even those ones that I didn’t feel close with, but now, I want to get away more and more from people I want to be alone more and more and I don’t want to be around others. I specifically don’t want others to know how I feel and what I am doing. Even the very close ones, maybe my parents who care. But they are far away and I don’t want them in my life. I don’t want anyone in my life. I even don’t want myself in my life. This is maybe why I surrender to this very last place. I want to write and I like to write, because I am not talking with anyone. I don’t get judged or if I get I really don’t care. I am tired of life. I really am. Everything sucks.